RAISING SUCCESSFUL CHILDREN. These seven qualities, according to a psychologist, separate successful children from “the ones who struggle,” and they can be learned by parents.
Most of my students were poor, had experienced abuse, were physically or emotionally challenged, or were learning-, emotionally-, or physically challenged when I first started working with at-risk kids. To help them succeed, I sought out strategies.
Thrivers are made, not born, I discovered as an educational psychologist. Children need a safe, loving, and structured childhood, but they also need autonomy, competence, and agency to thrive.
I identified seven skills kids need to boost mental toughness, resilience, social competence, self-awareness, and moral strength after sifting through mountains of research on traits most highly correlated to maximizing kids’ thriving abilities; these skills are what separate successful kids who shine from those who struggle.
- Self-confidence.
Most parents equate confidence with self-esteem. Children are told, “You’re special,” or “You can be anything you want.”. ”.
Yet there is little proof that elevating one’s self-esteem improves one’s academic performance or even one’s level of genuine happiness. Studies do, however, demonstrate that students who believe they have some degree of control over their academic performance outperform those who believe they have no such control.
When you succeed, overcome challenges, come up with solutions, and recover on your own, you develop real confidence. The only thing your children will think when you solve their problems or complete their assignments is, “They don’t believe I can. ”.
Children who are self-assured understand that they can fail but also recover, which is why we must stop hovering, sledding, and rescuing children.
Three different types of empathy exist: affective empathy, which occurs when we experience another person’s feelings and emotions; behavioral empathy, which motivates us to act compassionately; and cognitive empathy, which occurs when we comprehend another person’s perspective or put ourselves in their position.
For kids to learn empathy, they need an emotional vocabulary. Parents can teach their children that in the following ways:.
Declare emotions: Saying things like “You’re happy!” or “You seem upset” will help children learn how to express their feelings.
”.Ask you: “How did you feel about that?” “You seem scared. Help your child understand that all emotions are natural.
Am I right?
What can get us in trouble is how we decide to express them.
Give children the chance to express their emotions in a secure environment. By expressing your own feelings, such as, “I’m irritable because I didn’t get enough sleep.
“This book is making me angry.
”.Observe others: Ask questions about how they are feeling as you point out their faces and body language in a park or library.
One of the traits most closely associated with success is the capacity for self-control, which is also a surprising undiscovered key to assisting children in recovering and flourishing.
Giving signals is one method of teaching self-control.
Some children find it challenging to switch their attention between tasks.
Teachers therefore employ “attention signals” like the ringing of a bell or verbal cues like, “Pencils down, eyes up. ”.
A few: “I need your attention in one minute. “Are you ready to hear?”.Stress pauses are a different method.
They can think more clearly if they slow down.
Give your child the following “pausing prompt” to use as a reminder to pause and consider their next move.
“If you’re angry, count to ten before you respond.
”.”When in doubt, pause, reflect, and take a breath.
”.Don’t say anything about yourself that you wouldn’t want said about you.
RAISING SUCCESSFUL CHILDREN. These seven qualities,
”.
4. Integrity.
Integrity is a collection of learned attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that give kids a moral compass they can use to help them know and do what’s right.
A significant piece of the puzzle is outlining our own expectations. Giving them room to forge their own moral identity in addition to and apart from our own is also crucial.
To show your child that you value ethical behavior, it also helps to recognize and compliment them when they behave in it. So that your child understands what they did to earn praise, call out integrity and then describe the action.
Making your compliment more specific by adding the word “because” goes like this: “That showed integrity because you refused to spread that rumor. Despite having to cancel the slumber party, you kept your promise to accompany your friend, displaying integrity.
5.Curiosity.
The recognition, pursuit, and desire to investigate new, difficult, and uncertain events are all signs of curiosity.
I like to use open-ended toys, technology, and games to encourage kids’ natural curiosity. To help them build their structures, provide them with paint, yarn, and popsicle sticks. Or, give your kids pipe cleaners and paper clips and ask them to come up with as many creative uses for them as possible.
Modeling curiosity is another strategy. Ask: “What do you think,” “How do you know,” or “How can you find out?” instead of responding with “That won’t work,” “Let’s see what happens,” or similar phrases.
Finally, whenever you read a book, watch a movie, or simply pass someone, ask “I wonder” questions. For example, “I wonder where she’s going. “I’m curious why they’re acting that way.
“What will happen after that?
”.
6.Perseverance.
When all else makes it easier to give up, perseverance helps kids press on. Children’s efforts to succeed can be derailed by mistakes.
Therefore, prevent your child from catastrophizing their issue.
Help them focus instead on and pinpoint their blunder.
Because of their overwhelming feelings about “all the problems” or “all their assignments,” some children give up.
Children who have trouble focusing or getting started benefit from breaking tasks down into smaller components.
For instance, by covering all but the top row of your daughter’s math problems with paper, you can show her how to “chunk it.”. As each row is finished, lower the covered paper down the subsequent rows.
Older children can write each assignment down on a separate sticky note and arrange it in order of difficulty, then complete one task at a time. So they won’t worry all night about it, encourage them to complete the most difficult task first. As kids complete bigger chunks by themselves, confidence and perseverance grow.
7.Optimism.
As a result, they are more likely to succeed, optimistic children see difficulties and obstacles as temporary and manageable.
Pessimism, on the other hand, offers a starkly different perspective. Children who are pessimistic perceive obstacles as permanent, like immovable cement blocks, and are therefore more likely to give up.
Beginning with ourselves, we can teach children optimism. In the coming days, be aware of your usual messages and evaluate the outlook you provide for your children. Children take our words to be their inner voices.
Would your friends and family describe you as generally more optimistic or pessimistic?
Do you typically describe things as good or bad?
Do you typically see things through rose-colored or blue-tinted glasses?
If you notice that you’re leaning toward the empty side, keep in mind that change begins with a look in the mirror. Describe how being more optimistic would be beneficial if you notice pessimism.
Although embracing change can be difficult, it’s crucial to set a good example for your children.
Educational psychologist Michele Borba, EdD, is a parenting authority and the author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine” and “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World.”. She and her husband have three sons and reside in Palm Springs, California. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
According to a psychologist, parents who raise resilient, socially adept children always carry out these five actions during “tough times.”.
The most effective parents teach self-discipline in their children by refraining from using these four phrases, advises a neuroscientist.
What sets “positive parenting” apart—and why is it considered one of the best parenting philosophies—is outlined here.
